This year didnt start as I expected, I wonder if my cat scratching me while I was celebrating new years eve was a way to show me what 2021 was gonna be?

The very first week of the year I received the news from the vet, my first fur baby only had a couple weeks left with us. Her cancer was too strong and there was nothing we could do about it.

Looking back to those days feels like I was in a deep, dark hole. I felt my soul breaking into a thousand pieces, my heart ache, my mind was empty. I couldnt phantom my reality, I couldnt believe that after 8 years together I was going to lose her

I wanted more. I STILL want more. I always dreamed to see her with gray hairs in her face, grandma Hunna, my old baby girl.

But this is not going to happen.

Every day goes by with the constant thought that is going to be the last one together, I go to bed hugging her making sure that if it is our last night together she is warm and comfy. I wake up kissing her so if it is our last morning together she is happy and joyfull.

I look at my cat and how much he loves her, I think how much hes going to miss her, who is he gonna cuddle up with ? who is he going to play with? he is going to miss his old sister

I look at my other dog, Clem, they are not really best friends with Hunna but I’m sure Clem will miss her too, in her own way she will notice Hunna’s absence.

I think about me and what I am gonna do. if knowing that I will lose her is umberable, how will I be able to accept once shes gone? How long does pain last? How long will I hurt? my best guess is: Forever

I dont know how to grieve, I have never lost a family member, Hunna will be my first lost and the uncertainty of what will I become hunts me and scares me every day.

I try to practice grounding exercises daily, to remember that she is still here with me, right now laying next to my legs, cuddling with Mikkel the Cat, next to Clem her sister.

It will sound redounted but pain hurts, losing her hurts, knowing I wont have more years with her hurts.