mental health

Bath of tears

The water is warm, the candle is lit, moonlight sonata 1st movement starts.

I can feel my heartbeat through all my body

I can feel a burst of sadness rushing out of chest

And I start to cry, is like the tears where infinite, they fall through my face like a waterfall, one after the other, mixing with the water from the bathtub

I have difficulty breathing, feels like there is so much in my chest piling up ,trying to come out

I don’t stop for some long minutes, I cry like I haven’t cry in over a week, it hurts , it never stopped hurting but I just put it in the back of my head

And little by little, I feel my chest lighter, I can breath again, my heartbeat slows down.

I let it out.

And maybe in a few days, weeks or months it will pile up again, luckily the moonlight sonata will still be there.

mental health

The next step

When I heard the news of Hunna’s terminal cancer I started to prepare for her death. I said I wouldn’t be able to leave the bed and probably would drink a bunch of cough medicine just to sleep through the pain. When the day arrived I couldn’t sleep at all, didn’t take any cough maldice and the next day I asked to get out of the house and do something to keep my mind busy

The days after she died I thought I would never recover, I would never be able to talk about her without crying, but now I do, now I can talk about her and smile.

When she died I said I didn’t know how long would it be before I could get another dog, that I felt the pain would last for many years.

But I miss having a loyal companion, I miss loving just as much as I loved Hunna.

Almost 3 months after her death I applied to adopt a puppy and got approved

when I read the email “ approved” I felt a burst of happiness but soon after the thought of “ replacement” invaded my mind.

Thinking about replacing Hunna is as ridiculous as it sounds, because if something I know for sure is that I will never love another animal the way I loved Hunna, she was my first and will forever be my first.

So now I am just a mixture of feelings, between happiness and grief, excitement and guilt, hope and fear…

Would this new puppy replace Hunna? NEVER

Would this new puppy fill my heart with joy and happiness amid all this pain? I hope so…

mental health

Life goes on

It has been already over a month since I lost her

I still have to wake up every morning, feed my other pets , have to go to work, have to eat, have to walk my pets and sit with them outside

We went to the dog park, I saw other dogs running, my Hunna loved the dog park

We have received 2 bark boxes since she died, she always knew just by smelling the box that she would get new toys and treats

I haven’t moved her bed, I still have her bowl with water , her sweaters are still in the same spot where she used to lay down

I still have her medicine and supplements

I still sleep with her blanket

All of this keeps happening, even when she is gone

And I keep thinking about her, about that last day, last hug , last time I saw myself in her eyes

But time keeps moving, life goes on and I seem to be stuck in that ONE day, the last one, when I held her until I stopped feeling her breathing , until the doctor told me “ she’s at peace”.

It has been almost 2 months since people told me “time will heal everything”, since I thought only the first days will hurt, but every day hurts

And no matter how much I try to understand or how hard I try to wake up from this nightmare… life goes on …

mental health

They said “ love you, friend “

I hate the weekends because they remind me how lonely I am

I hate that I only have time to sit in my bed to think about the friends that I don’t have , I have to remember all those who called themselves my friends and forgot about me in the blink of an eye

I hate thinking about those who only a year ago said to love me and be there for me but when I asked for help they turned their backs

I hate to remember those who gave me the idea to belong, to be part of a group, to have friends, just to only be another fake, another failure, another lie

I hate people who pretends to be something they are not, and even worse, I hate I always believe in people

I hate the weekends because my mind and soul are filled with resentment, with anger and disappointment

I hate feeling this way , specially because of people who couldn’t Care less about me

I hate that everyday I think how none of them wished me happy birthday, or text me to know if I’m okay.

I hate when I think about future events when I won’t be able to have friends with me , thinking about a weeding without bridesmaids, concerts without someone to invite, girls night without another girls.

I hate being alone, I hate being angry at them.

But I hate even more the fact that I miss having someone.

mental health


Since the morning I feel weird, I’ve talked about this before, I don’t like Sundays

It’s like my mind knows exactly the day to make me feel extra anxious, I feel bad since the moment I open my eyes but I try to keep myself together

I like to go to the park with my dogs on Sundays, to make it better, usually we order food and lay in the couch all day

We do laundry and clean the house, nothing exciting

Sunday nights are the worst, my mind just gets stronger somehow and my body weaker at the same time

On Sundays I take melatonin and made myself some lemon and ginger tea before bed just so I can get some sleep

On Sundays I videocall my family every night and talk to them until I fall asleep

Are Sundays always going to be this blue? Am I always going to hate this day?

Like Matthew Perry Posted on his Instagram a few weeks ago:

Why is today specially hard?

mental health

Letter to my death

I learned you existed long ago but the fear came after , I understood that one day we leave this earth and I tried to comprehend where do we go, years later I still don’t know.

You took control over my mind, over my body and my feelings, took away from me the joy of sleeping, the happiness of a nice shower, the adventure of long car ride

You took away from me the normal afternoons laying in the couch, the dates with my boyfriend , the calls with my family

You have taken so much from me but I am still here to fight it back

Because I learned I can be stronger than you , I learned we can live together and coexist

That I can still have you in my mind but I can function and I can live

Dear death, I know you are there always behind me, behind my mind, my actions and my thoughts, but I also know I am in front of you, stronger and capable

Dead death , I know some days you’ll be stronger than me and find the way to break me down, but I also know I will find the way to step back up

Dear death, thank you for teaching me what I am capable of , for making me strong

Dear death, thank you for making me feel alive

mental health

Sundays are bittersweet

I like Wednesdays, I call them the belly button of the week, they are far from Monday and closer to Friday

I love Fridays, I call them IDAF Fridays since is not allowed to stress out , the weekend has arrived!

I enjoy Saturdays since you have no worries about waking up early next day or feeling guilty for staying up late at night

I dislike Sundays, I feel blue most of them, there is not much you can do as you have to prepare for a new week of work or school, it’s all over again, another week of not much happiness but a lot of work, in my case, mental work

So I decided to flip the switch, I call my family every Sunday night, I volunteer every Sunday morning, I cook fun recipes on Sunday afternoon, I enjoy life on Sundays.

Not every day will be our favorite but maybe we can make it a bit better, at least it doesn’t have to be Monday because, let’s be honest, who likes mondays?

So today is for enjoying Sundays and maybe one day I’ll say the same for Mondays but is too early for that

mental health


About 10 years ago I understood something was going on with me, I didn’t understand what was it and for many years I tried to ignore it, put it in the back of my mind, denying that existed.

About 5 years ago I learned that what I was going through was called anxiety and panic attacks, that they were controlling my body and my mind, even then I tried to ignore it, put it in the back of my mind, denying it existed.

About a year ago my mental health spiraled drastically, I lost control of my body and my mind, I couldn’t function properly, my days were based on counting the amount of panic attacks per day and crying during my anxiety crisis, even then I tried to ignore it, put it in the back of my mind, denying it existed.

Two months ago I felt like I was losing the battle, I couldn’t do it alone anymore, I seek help, I started therapy, I stopped to ignore it, stopped to put it in the back of my mind and accepted it existed.

I accepted my mind was weak in that moment but with help and persistence everything would get better, I started to write, I started a blog where I share my journey.

A few weeks ago I learned I could stopped being the victim and become the helper , I decided my situation was not a curse, it was an opportunity to grow, I decided to use the tools that have helped me in order to help others, start a new journey, tell my story.

Today I am not afraid of talking about my mental health or tell my story, I’m not afraid about what my family will think because I know they love me more than anything, I am not afraid of what people will think of my videos because I just want to help those who need it.

All of this I do it for me, for the little girl who started to fear, for the teenager who hid, for the adult who seek help.

mental health

Always look for the helpers

I remember the first time I heard this quote from Mr.Rogers, it’s struck me right away, there is always somebody that can help you.

For the last months I’ve been meeting new people, talking with new friends and creating new connections, all of this thanks to opening up regarding my mental health

I realized not only that there was a lot of people going through the same than me but also that I could help many the same way I was being helped.

So after each therapy session I write down what I learned , new exercises, new tips and when somebody close to me needs then the most I give it to them.

I’ve become in someone that helps others going though the same than me of even worst situations, I am using what used to affect me in benefit to others

My anxiety is no longer my curse, is my base for teaching and helping others.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not “cured” , I still have it in me, still fight my mind everyday, but I can go to bed knowing I helped somebody that needed me like once I needed help too.

So, if you’re going through something hard, look at it as a possibility to learn and teach others about it, don’t look at it as a curse or punishment , you might have inside of you the answer that many have been looking for a long time

Become the helper.

Art: Amanda Oleander
mental health

Late at night

Is weird seeing all the people complain about not being able to sleeps since quarantine started

They can’t get some rest, they try to close their eyes but their mind keep making their thoughts get the best of them

They feel tired but they are also too scared to go to sleep, fear is consuming them during the day, anxiety at night

I’ve been there, every night , right now.

I am here for you if you need to talk, I am here for you to tell you “ you’re going to be alright “

My body might be used to this, I know yours is not, so don’t worry, don’t fear, I am here, we got this.