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mental health

Life goes on

It has been already over a month since I lost her

I still have to wake up every morning, feed my other pets , have to go to work, have to eat, have to walk my pets and sit with them outside

We went to the dog park, I saw other dogs running, my Hunna loved the dog park

We have received 2 bark boxes since she died, she always knew just by smelling the box that she would get new toys and treats

I haven’t moved her bed, I still have her bowl with water , her sweaters are still in the same spot where she used to lay down

I still have her medicine and supplements

I still sleep with her blanket

All of this keeps happening, even when she is gone

And I keep thinking about her, about that last day, last hug , last time I saw myself in her eyes

But time keeps moving, life goes on and I seem to be stuck in that ONE day, the last one, when I held her until I stopped feeling her breathing , until the doctor told me “ she’s at peace”.

It has been almost 2 months since people told me “time will heal everything”, since I thought only the first days will hurt, but every day hurts

And no matter how much I try to understand or how hard I try to wake up from this nightmare… life goes on …

Categories
mental health

Time won’t heal everything

It’s been almost 2 weeks since I lost her, people tell me time will heal everything, that soon I will feel better, I just feel like every day it hurts more and more

Her absence feel stronger every day, watching her pictures is more difficult, crying is a daily activity

Death is confusing, I can’t still understand how less than a month ago she was with me and now she is simply gone

I can’t accept that I still see her hairs around my house but can’t hear her barking

I close my eyes hoping is all a dream, that this is not happening , that she is going to come back somehow

I ask her to come back, I ask her to visit me in my dreams, I ask her to let me know she is somewhere

Does time really heal everything? Or makes everything more painful? Will I ever be able to remember her without falling apart ? Will I ever wake up from this horrible nightmare? …

Categories
mental health

My first day without her

I woke up with my heart shatter in a thousand pieces, I didn’t want to open my eyes because I knew she was not going to be there wagging her tail

I knew she was not going to start kissing me when I would sing “ buenos días mi amor, buenos días mi ángel , buenos días mi amor” like I used to sing every morning

Preparing the breakfast for my other 2 pets was hard, because I still had her breakfast in the fridge, letting my dogs out was hard because her winter jacket was still next to the door

Laying down was hard because I still find her hair everywhere I look at

When I decided to left the house I turned around to say bye to my other pets and she wasn’t there looking at me before I closed The door

When I came back I didn’t hear her barking in the other side of the door, she wasn’t jumping up and down when I entered the house , she wasn’t welcoming in our house

My first day without her hurts really bad

when they tell you that you heart can break is true… it’s difficult to breath and my chest aches

I’ve been looking all around the house for her smell, I’ve been hugging her blanket to try to keep her close to me

I don’t know how many more days this pain will last, I got the feeling maybe it will never go away

I just have to learn how to live without her and take all our memories close to my heart, forever

Categories
mental health

Selfish or incapable?

I see her losing her energy day by day, she doesn’t bark anymore, she can’t jump to her couch or bed, she only eats when I forcefully put food in her mouth just because I can’t see her losing more weight.

Sometimes she plays with toys but gets tired pretty quickly, she doesn’t run behind me while I am riding the bike or doesn’t jump on me when I arrive home, she doesn’t give me “ kisses attacks “ anymore , but sometimes gives me a couple of delicate ones.

She doesn’t “talk to me anymore”, we used to have really good conversation

She doesn’t eat her treats or destroy her toys

She doesn’t cry for attention or stares at me until I notice her

She doesn’t lay on her back and cries until we rub her belly, she doesn’t play with the soccer ball every time she sees it.

She still loves me and i know that for sure

She still wants to sleep against my body or lays down making sure she can look at me.

She still goes wherever I go and follows me around when she can.

But she is tired, I know she is

I tell her every day to let me know when she is ready to go, the problem is, I am not ready to let her go.

I feel selfish for wanting more days, months and years by her side

I feel selfish because I can’t let her go , She taught me so much about life but I still haven’t learn how to live without her.

I know I have to make the decision to let her go, she is letting me know is time to do it, she is letting me know she is tired, she wants to rest…

Categories
mental health

How long does pain last

This year didnt start as I expected, I wonder if my cat scratching me while I was celebrating new years eve was a way to show me what 2021 was gonna be?

The very first week of the year I received the news from the vet, my first fur baby only had a couple weeks left with us. Her cancer was too strong and there was nothing we could do about it.

Looking back to those days feels like I was in a deep, dark hole. I felt my soul breaking into a thousand pieces, my heart ache, my mind was empty. I couldnt phantom my reality, I couldnt believe that after 8 years together I was going to lose her

I wanted more. I STILL want more. I always dreamed to see her with gray hairs in her face, grandma Hunna, my old baby girl.

But this is not going to happen.

Every day goes by with the constant thought that is going to be the last one together, I go to bed hugging her making sure that if it is our last night together she is warm and comfy. I wake up kissing her so if it is our last morning together she is happy and joyfull.

I look at my cat and how much he loves her, I think how much hes going to miss her, who is he gonna cuddle up with ? who is he going to play with? he is going to miss his old sister

I look at my other dog, Clem, they are not really best friends with Hunna but I’m sure Clem will miss her too, in her own way she will notice Hunna’s absence.

I think about me and what I am gonna do. if knowing that I will lose her is umberable, how will I be able to accept once shes gone? How long does pain last? How long will I hurt? my best guess is: Forever

I dont know how to grieve, I have never lost a family member, Hunna will be my first lost and the uncertainty of what will I become hunts me and scares me every day.

I try to practice grounding exercises daily, to remember that she is still here with me, right now laying next to my legs, cuddling with Mikkel the Cat, next to Clem her sister.

It will sound redounted but pain hurts, losing her hurts, knowing I wont have more years with her hurts.

Categories
mental health

They said “ love you, friend “

I hate the weekends because they remind me how lonely I am

I hate that I only have time to sit in my bed to think about the friends that I don’t have , I have to remember all those who called themselves my friends and forgot about me in the blink of an eye

I hate thinking about those who only a year ago said to love me and be there for me but when I asked for help they turned their backs

I hate to remember those who gave me the idea to belong, to be part of a group, to have friends, just to only be another fake, another failure, another lie

I hate people who pretends to be something they are not, and even worse, I hate I always believe in people

I hate the weekends because my mind and soul are filled with resentment, with anger and disappointment

I hate feeling this way , specially because of people who couldn’t Care less about me

I hate that everyday I think how none of them wished me happy birthday, or text me to know if I’m okay.

I hate when I think about future events when I won’t be able to have friends with me , thinking about a weeding without bridesmaids, concerts without someone to invite, girls night without another girls.

I hate being alone, I hate being angry at them.

But I hate even more the fact that I miss having someone.

Categories
mental health

To the ones I lost and the ones I got

Since I opened about my mental health, many things have changed with my social life, not like I had a big one but is different from months ago.

To those go used to hug me and say they love me , to those who used to say I could always count on you when I need it ( but the moment I did need you, you disappeared) to those who called themselves my friends and pretended to care about me but today are gone: Thank you, for showing me the real face of the world and how unfortunately you never know somebody completely, how so many times you believe they are your friends but they don’t even know what that means.

To those who many days acted like they would be there for me but today are not even able to call and ask how am I doing, to those who told me “ I’m here for you” but now that they know my mental health challenges haven’t talk to me since the day I opened up to the world: thank you, for leaving my life and giving space for better and real people, real friends

I will miss some moments I had with you and probably will still have to see you , but trust me, I wont ask you again for help, I wont reach out to you when I need someone to talk to, I wont believe when you say you love me or you are my friends, because you don’t even believe those words

I hope you never need a hug, I hope you never need somebody to talk so bad while you cry your eyes out, I hope you are never going through a depressive crisis and wish a friend would visit you or ask you to go out.
I hope you never feel the same way you made me feel.

To those who life gave me, those who appeared out of nowhere or out of the past, those who text me at night asking if I’m doing okay, asking me how am I feeling and if I’m having a good day, those who stay with me 6 hours in the phone talking until I’m ready to sleep, those who help me to breath through my panic attacks and promise me everything will be alright: THANK YOU. (Ale)

Thank you for giving me life , for giving me friendship, for helping me not to feel alone , thank you for giving me hope that there is people who cares about me in this world, That there is people that I can text or call and they will be there for me at least to tell me everything is okay

Thank you to the friend who cares because I feel loved, thank you to the one who doesn’t care too, because it makes me realize with who I should spend my time, thank you to the friend that ask how am I doing because I feel like I’m important, thank you to the one who ignored me when I reached out for help, because I made me stronger.

Thank you to the ones who left and the ones who arrived, because both of you, in your own way, made me who I am. I am better, I am capable, I have people who loves me and people who I do not need them to love me. And that is fine, I am fine.

Categories
mental health

Sundays

Since the morning I feel weird, I’ve talked about this before, I don’t like Sundays

It’s like my mind knows exactly the day to make me feel extra anxious, I feel bad since the moment I open my eyes but I try to keep myself together

I like to go to the park with my dogs on Sundays, to make it better, usually we order food and lay in the couch all day

We do laundry and clean the house, nothing exciting

Sunday nights are the worst, my mind just gets stronger somehow and my body weaker at the same time

On Sundays I take melatonin and made myself some lemon and ginger tea before bed just so I can get some sleep

On Sundays I videocall my family every night and talk to them until I fall asleep

Are Sundays always going to be this blue? Am I always going to hate this day?

Like Matthew Perry Posted on his Instagram a few weeks ago:

Why is today specially hard?

Categories
mental health

3 Months Later

3 months ago, I was scared, I received an email that said I have been matched with a therapist, I was nervous to write to her or read her messages, I felt weak and defeated. Like I had lost the fight and needed help.

the truth is, I never lost the fight, I just needed some extra help in the battlefield.

3 months ago, I started therapy, I did not know much but I wanted to be heard and from that day until today it has not been one day since I feel alone again.

3 months ago, I learned I was not alone in the way I was feeling, that it was not wrong to feel the way I was feeling, I felt accepted, validated, and loved.

since that day I tried my best to get better ( and I am still trying) I followed many dreams I had and started new projects, I stopped talking to people who I thought they were my friends and connect with new wonderful people that bring happiness to my life.

since that day I am happier and better, I am not “cured”, and I do not think I will ever be. but I am better, and I know I can always be better.

I thank my family, my friends and most important, my therapist. I thank her for giving me the strength, the tools, and the exercises to feel better, to make me feel listened, to make me feel loved and to make me who I am today. I was not be able to do it without her.

so, to her. and all the therapist in the world, THANK YOU, because 3 months ago I never thought I would be the woman I am today, we need you and we appreciate you.

3 months ago, I Took the best decision of my life and I cannot wait for what is coming.

Categories
mental health

Letter to my death

I learned you existed long ago but the fear came after , I understood that one day we leave this earth and I tried to comprehend where do we go, years later I still don’t know.

You took control over my mind, over my body and my feelings, took away from me the joy of sleeping, the happiness of a nice shower, the adventure of long car ride

You took away from me the normal afternoons laying in the couch, the dates with my boyfriend , the calls with my family

You have taken so much from me but I am still here to fight it back

Because I learned I can be stronger than you , I learned we can live together and coexist

That I can still have you in my mind but I can function and I can live

Dear death, I know you are there always behind me, behind my mind, my actions and my thoughts, but I also know I am in front of you, stronger and capable

Dead death , I know some days you’ll be stronger than me and find the way to break me down, but I also know I will find the way to step back up

Dear death, thank you for teaching me what I am capable of , for making me strong

Dear death, thank you for making me feel alive