Categories
mental health

Captive

My mind is eating me alive, I don’t remember the last time I was completely happy for a whole day, I feel captive in my own mind, I can’t escape my thoughts  and these make me feel weak, not capable to be okay.

I feel like I’m wasting my life, that in any moment i will stop existing and the only people who will miss me is my family. That I will not leave a mark in the world and history will never know my name.

I wake up everyday knowing it will be another day of fighting my thoughts, I’m so desperate to feel better, I want to go back to the days when I was happy, when I wasn’t worrying about my existence every second, I was just living. 

I want to live without fearing, but my mind is stronger than me.

Artist: Amanda Oleander
Categories
mental health

About living.

Imagine waking up every day with fear, knowing it will be another day of battling with your mind, with your thoughts, another day were you will constantly try to calm yourself to prevent a panic attack, because the feeling never disappear or goes away, you just push it back whenever you can.

When I was little, I remember walking in my neighborhood and touching the leaves of the bushes around me, I would touch the leaves and think In my mind “ I’m here “ every time that thought would come to my mind I would feel a punch in my stomach, my heart beat would get faster and it would become harder to breath, then, I would try to calm down. I was too young to understand.

With my teenage years and Adulthood arriving, questioning life, religion and the meaning of what we are was becoming more of a big deal for me. I started to think about eternal life in heaven and how ridiculous eternal life sound, nothing can be eternal, but then all you have to think is “ nothing “ the end , that’s it , you die and that’s all. And that’s when all started to make sense.

I wake up fearing a panic attack so early morning, I work through the day talking with my family to avoid scream and cry, I hug my boyfriend and play with my dogs so I don’t feel the shaking of my hands or my heart beating increasing.

When the night arrives, I put on Friends on the tv , I call it my comfort zone, Friends makes me laugh, makes me be happy and helps me not to  think about existing and one day not existing at all.

I hate myself for waking up my boyfriend every night screaming, sometimes I even hold my screams and fear under the blankets because I don’t want to wake him up, it doesn’t matter what I do, he always wakes up and hugs me, he tells me everything is okay, I pretend I fall asleep and I feel better, but I never feel completely better.

My boyfriend and family asked me to seek help, I looked online for therapy and counseling, then I saw the prices and I felt like I’m was being punish for my mental health, how can people with less resources than me afford therapy? Is that why so many people commit suicide? Only who can afford therapy can survive ? What about the rest of us?

I searched on the internet, I found Terms like  thanatophobia, death anxiety, existential anxiety, so many names but no so many solutions, most of the forums say “ you’re going to die , just face it “ I try, I swear I try to face it.

There are days like today where I feel exhausted, exhausted of feeling scared , of feeling my body rushing , of having to control my mind so I don’t start screaming in the streets, I’m tired of seeing my boyfriend worried about me , he loves me and acts like he will always be with me , but I’m tired of seeing his face while I scream and cry full of panic and fear

I just want to live life without fear every day, every morning and every night.

I don’t know how long I’ll have this, I read this affects all ages. I want to live so many more years, but not in fear, am I going to suffer the next 80 years of my life? Am I going to find peace one day and just realize everything is going to be Okay?