Categories
mental health

Bath of tears

The water is warm, the candle is lit, moonlight sonata 1st movement starts.

I can feel my heartbeat through all my body

I can feel a burst of sadness rushing out of chest

And I start to cry, is like the tears where infinite, they fall through my face like a waterfall, one after the other, mixing with the water from the bathtub

I have difficulty breathing, feels like there is so much in my chest piling up ,trying to come out

I don’t stop for some long minutes, I cry like I haven’t cry in over a week, it hurts , it never stopped hurting but I just put it in the back of my head

And little by little, I feel my chest lighter, I can breath again, my heartbeat slows down.

I let it out.

And maybe in a few days, weeks or months it will pile up again, luckily the moonlight sonata will still be there.

Categories
mental health

The next step

When I heard the news of Hunna’s terminal cancer I started to prepare for her death. I said I wouldn’t be able to leave the bed and probably would drink a bunch of cough medicine just to sleep through the pain. When the day arrived I couldn’t sleep at all, didn’t take any cough maldice and the next day I asked to get out of the house and do something to keep my mind busy

The days after she died I thought I would never recover, I would never be able to talk about her without crying, but now I do, now I can talk about her and smile.

When she died I said I didn’t know how long would it be before I could get another dog, that I felt the pain would last for many years.

But I miss having a loyal companion, I miss loving just as much as I loved Hunna.

Almost 3 months after her death I applied to adopt a puppy and got approved

when I read the email “ approved” I felt a burst of happiness but soon after the thought of “ replacement” invaded my mind.

Thinking about replacing Hunna is as ridiculous as it sounds, because if something I know for sure is that I will never love another animal the way I loved Hunna, she was my first and will forever be my first.

So now I am just a mixture of feelings, between happiness and grief, excitement and guilt, hope and fear…

Would this new puppy replace Hunna? NEVER

Would this new puppy fill my heart with joy and happiness amid all this pain? I hope so…

Categories
mental health

Life goes on

It has been already over a month since I lost her

I still have to wake up every morning, feed my other pets , have to go to work, have to eat, have to walk my pets and sit with them outside

We went to the dog park, I saw other dogs running, my Hunna loved the dog park

We have received 2 bark boxes since she died, she always knew just by smelling the box that she would get new toys and treats

I haven’t moved her bed, I still have her bowl with water , her sweaters are still in the same spot where she used to lay down

I still have her medicine and supplements

I still sleep with her blanket

All of this keeps happening, even when she is gone

And I keep thinking about her, about that last day, last hug , last time I saw myself in her eyes

But time keeps moving, life goes on and I seem to be stuck in that ONE day, the last one, when I held her until I stopped feeling her breathing , until the doctor told me “ she’s at peace”.

It has been almost 2 months since people told me “time will heal everything”, since I thought only the first days will hurt, but every day hurts

And no matter how much I try to understand or how hard I try to wake up from this nightmare… life goes on …

Categories
mental health

Time won’t heal everything

It’s been almost 2 weeks since I lost her, people tell me time will heal everything, that soon I will feel better, I just feel like every day it hurts more and more

Her absence feel stronger every day, watching her pictures is more difficult, crying is a daily activity

Death is confusing, I can’t still understand how less than a month ago she was with me and now she is simply gone

I can’t accept that I still see her hairs around my house but can’t hear her barking

I close my eyes hoping is all a dream, that this is not happening , that she is going to come back somehow

I ask her to come back, I ask her to visit me in my dreams, I ask her to let me know she is somewhere

Does time really heal everything? Or makes everything more painful? Will I ever be able to remember her without falling apart ? Will I ever wake up from this horrible nightmare? …

Categories
mental health

They said “ love you, friend “

I hate the weekends because they remind me how lonely I am

I hate that I only have time to sit in my bed to think about the friends that I don’t have , I have to remember all those who called themselves my friends and forgot about me in the blink of an eye

I hate thinking about those who only a year ago said to love me and be there for me but when I asked for help they turned their backs

I hate to remember those who gave me the idea to belong, to be part of a group, to have friends, just to only be another fake, another failure, another lie

I hate people who pretends to be something they are not, and even worse, I hate I always believe in people

I hate the weekends because my mind and soul are filled with resentment, with anger and disappointment

I hate feeling this way , specially because of people who couldn’t Care less about me

I hate that everyday I think how none of them wished me happy birthday, or text me to know if I’m okay.

I hate when I think about future events when I won’t be able to have friends with me , thinking about a weeding without bridesmaids, concerts without someone to invite, girls night without another girls.

I hate being alone, I hate being angry at them.

But I hate even more the fact that I miss having someone.

Categories
mental health

Sundays

Since the morning I feel weird, I’ve talked about this before, I don’t like Sundays

It’s like my mind knows exactly the day to make me feel extra anxious, I feel bad since the moment I open my eyes but I try to keep myself together

I like to go to the park with my dogs on Sundays, to make it better, usually we order food and lay in the couch all day

We do laundry and clean the house, nothing exciting

Sunday nights are the worst, my mind just gets stronger somehow and my body weaker at the same time

On Sundays I take melatonin and made myself some lemon and ginger tea before bed just so I can get some sleep

On Sundays I videocall my family every night and talk to them until I fall asleep

Are Sundays always going to be this blue? Am I always going to hate this day?

Like Matthew Perry Posted on his Instagram a few weeks ago:

Why is today specially hard?

Categories
mental health

3 Months Later

3 months ago, I was scared, I received an email that said I have been matched with a therapist, I was nervous to write to her or read her messages, I felt weak and defeated. Like I had lost the fight and needed help.

the truth is, I never lost the fight, I just needed some extra help in the battlefield.

3 months ago, I started therapy, I did not know much but I wanted to be heard and from that day until today it has not been one day since I feel alone again.

3 months ago, I learned I was not alone in the way I was feeling, that it was not wrong to feel the way I was feeling, I felt accepted, validated, and loved.

since that day I tried my best to get better ( and I am still trying) I followed many dreams I had and started new projects, I stopped talking to people who I thought they were my friends and connect with new wonderful people that bring happiness to my life.

since that day I am happier and better, I am not “cured”, and I do not think I will ever be. but I am better, and I know I can always be better.

I thank my family, my friends and most important, my therapist. I thank her for giving me the strength, the tools, and the exercises to feel better, to make me feel listened, to make me feel loved and to make me who I am today. I was not be able to do it without her.

so, to her. and all the therapist in the world, THANK YOU, because 3 months ago I never thought I would be the woman I am today, we need you and we appreciate you.

3 months ago, I Took the best decision of my life and I cannot wait for what is coming.

Categories
mental health

Letter to my death

I learned you existed long ago but the fear came after , I understood that one day we leave this earth and I tried to comprehend where do we go, years later I still don’t know.

You took control over my mind, over my body and my feelings, took away from me the joy of sleeping, the happiness of a nice shower, the adventure of long car ride

You took away from me the normal afternoons laying in the couch, the dates with my boyfriend , the calls with my family

You have taken so much from me but I am still here to fight it back

Because I learned I can be stronger than you , I learned we can live together and coexist

That I can still have you in my mind but I can function and I can live

Dear death, I know you are there always behind me, behind my mind, my actions and my thoughts, but I also know I am in front of you, stronger and capable

Dead death , I know some days you’ll be stronger than me and find the way to break me down, but I also know I will find the way to step back up

Dear death, thank you for teaching me what I am capable of , for making me strong

Dear death, thank you for making me feel alive

Categories
mental health

Sundays are bittersweet

I like Wednesdays, I call them the belly button of the week, they are far from Monday and closer to Friday

I love Fridays, I call them IDAF Fridays since is not allowed to stress out , the weekend has arrived!

I enjoy Saturdays since you have no worries about waking up early next day or feeling guilty for staying up late at night

I dislike Sundays, I feel blue most of them, there is not much you can do as you have to prepare for a new week of work or school, it’s all over again, another week of not much happiness but a lot of work, in my case, mental work

So I decided to flip the switch, I call my family every Sunday night, I volunteer every Sunday morning, I cook fun recipes on Sunday afternoon, I enjoy life on Sundays.

Not every day will be our favorite but maybe we can make it a bit better, at least it doesn’t have to be Monday because, let’s be honest, who likes mondays?

So today is for enjoying Sundays and maybe one day I’ll say the same for Mondays but is too early for that

Categories
mental health

Freedom

About 10 years ago I understood something was going on with me, I didn’t understand what was it and for many years I tried to ignore it, put it in the back of my mind, denying that existed.

About 5 years ago I learned that what I was going through was called anxiety and panic attacks, that they were controlling my body and my mind, even then I tried to ignore it, put it in the back of my mind, denying it existed.

About a year ago my mental health spiraled drastically, I lost control of my body and my mind, I couldn’t function properly, my days were based on counting the amount of panic attacks per day and crying during my anxiety crisis, even then I tried to ignore it, put it in the back of my mind, denying it existed.

Two months ago I felt like I was losing the battle, I couldn’t do it alone anymore, I seek help, I started therapy, I stopped to ignore it, stopped to put it in the back of my mind and accepted it existed.

I accepted my mind was weak in that moment but with help and persistence everything would get better, I started to write, I started a blog where I share my journey.

A few weeks ago I learned I could stopped being the victim and become the helper , I decided my situation was not a curse, it was an opportunity to grow, I decided to use the tools that have helped me in order to help others, start a new journey, tell my story.

Today I am not afraid of talking about my mental health or tell my story, I’m not afraid about what my family will think because I know they love me more than anything, I am not afraid of what people will think of my videos because I just want to help those who need it.

All of this I do it for me, for the little girl who started to fear, for the teenager who hid, for the adult who seek help.