Categories
mental health

Keeping your mind busy

The past days have been hard, all we see in the news are tragedies, the world is going into dark times and we can’t do anything about it, or at least thats what we think.

To deny the situation that we are living right now would be a big mistake, nature is giving back what we did to her for many years and it seems likes the good days are far from here. Every day we get a higher number of deaths from the virus, another plague, another eartquake, another tragedy.

It has been a long time since I went to bed calmly and not thinking about how the world is coming to an end, I was waking up scared thinking about what would be the new event, how many deaths would be today, how anxius would I be today.

But I realized time keeps moving even if I decide to sit and wait for everything to calm down, time won’t wait, life won’t wait.

I decided I needed to start living my life and reaching for my dreams before it was too late, as we can tell by the last days, you never know when is too late.

So I’ve been keeping myself busy, creating and working in new proyects, new activities and new goals, I want to keep my mind away of all the negativity that affects my days, I want to spend my days enjoying life instead of couting how many panic attacks I have per day.

I know days have been hard and darkness can be consuming you, but remember, it will be okay and we will be okay, find positivity in your surrenders, enjoy the spring that is starting, the baby animals that are being born, the flowers that are blooming, of course avoid the awful pollen.

We might be living hard times, but we can always get a bit of sunshine If we look for it.

Art: Amanda Oleander
Categories
mental health

I hope you are well

I was having a panic attack, I stood up and practiced grounding exercises, I was breathing, inhale-hold-exhale – and then I received a message from my therapist:

“I hope you are well. I hope you are safe. I hope you are finding ways to stay sane and grounded. I hope you’re reading the news and staying informed. I hope you’re not reading the news too much. I hope you’re going outside to see the spring unfold (while being aware of social distancing and wellness). I hope you’re staying connected to your body. I hope, amidst the pain, confusion, and despair, that you’re feeling awake and alive “

I am safe, I am sane , I am grounded, I am informed, I am enjoying spring unfolding, I am connecting with my body and amid the pain, confusion and despair:

I am awake and I am alive

Art: Amanda Oleander
Categories
mental health

Go for it.

I was talking with my therapist about life, about my fears and my goals, she asked me about my life purpose and I had a quick pause.

I went back to my childhood when I used to dream I would be a famous singer, perform in stadiums and have a famous life. Growing up my voice changed and with that singer girl wasn’t there anymore, even when I like to pretend is still there in the shower.

But I always wanted to do something big with my life, wanted to leave a mark, do be someone that people would remember and they would know my name. I told my therapist I wanted to do so many things but I haven’t done many of them, maybe for fear of rejection or lack of determination.

Then I realized, I’m so scared of dying that I am not even living… I want to start doing all I ever dreamed in my life, I like to think the Blog was a good start, I’m also not afraid anymore of posting silly videos on the internet and I’m finally making the decision of doing something I’ve been wanted for so long, I’ll let you know how that goes.

My point with all of this is, live life, make your dreams come true, do what you have always wanted to do, YOU HAVE TO! if you have a goal, pursue it, if you have a dream, reach it! I’m starting to go after mines, I hope you go after yours.

Categories
mental health

You peace

Find your peace, find your comfort zone, find whatever makes you happy and gets your head out of the bad place.

I recently started volunteering, I am walking my dogs, I’m going outside more often because I know that If I don’t do it for myself, I will never be able to get pass this.

We are prisoners of our own mind but I like to think we have the Keys to get out , we just have to learn how to used them.

I hope you can find your peace, I hope you decide to do something that makes you happy, I hope today is a better day than yesterday and tomorrow will be even better, but don’t rush it, we are still on today.

Categories
mental health

The journey

Days are coming and days are going, some are good, some are bad. some nights I sleep great, other nights I won’t even close my eyes. sometimes I can go out and walk my dogs, other days I just want to be in bed under the blankets. Sometimes I’m scared to even get in the shower, other days I can’t wait for summer and the pool.

Sometimes I’m scared thinking I’ll never get better, other days I tell myself “ I CAN DO THIS”

Sometimes I tell my therapist “ I’m losing my mind , I don’t feel I can do it anymore” other days I tell her how good I’ve been feeling.

Some days she tells me it’s okay to feel bad and to cry if I need to, other days, like today, she tells me “it’s a journey and you are in a great path”

And are those the days that remind me, I can do this.

Art: Amanda Oleander
Categories
mental health

Be me again

I’m tired, I didn’t sleep at all, I was up all night, I watched tv, pet my dogs and held my boyfriends hand, but they were all sleep,they seemed so peaceful while my mind was in the middle of a battle.

I woke up and wanted to cry, I don’t want to work, I want to crawl inside my blankets, cuddle up with my dogs and just relax, I want to sleep as my eyes are closing while I work, I’m not even hungry, it has been a while since I ate properly, I’m eating probably just once or twice a day.

Am I losing control of everything? Am I just disappearing little by little ? What is inside my brain that is causing me this ? Will I ever be me again?

Art: Amanda Oleander
Categories
mental health

When you have to face it

I had a really hard therapy session today, I knew it was going to come eventually but talking about your fears and your anxiety triggers is never an easy thing to do.

I had to pause several times to control my breathing, I held my head as I was feeling like losing control, I was shaking, I wanted to cry but it was necessary.

Talking about what makes you uncomfortable is not easy, we like to be in our comfort zone to feel safe, to be in control and protect ourselves, today I wasn’t in control, I was fragile, scared and incapable, I didn’t want to talk about it but I need it, I had to do it.

After the session I felt so much lighter, it was good to get out my system some of the things that affect me but at the same time I didn’t feel great, I’ve been tired all day, I want to sleep and I want to cry, I keep thinking about that conversation and how I felt in that moment, I feel a cloud over my head, a fog inside my brain, today is one of those hard days.

Cheers for a better week, a better tomorrow and hopefully , a better future.

Art: Amanda Oleander
Categories
mental health

Nights

For the bad nights, for the heavy cloud over my head, for the fog in my mind, sometimes you need a little bit of help.

For a lot people the night is the best part of their day, they look forward for being in bed and get some good sleep, for me is always the thought of “ I hope tonight I can make it”.

So I get into my room, clean my face, brush my teeth, turn on the tv, practice breathing exercises and pet my dogs, The tv is never off, I need the light and sound but even after all of this sometimes is not enough,

So I open my drawer, I feel defeated as I know it’s not going to be a night when I can do it all by myself, so I grab the sleeping pill, take it and wait for it to work, I’ll be able to fall asleep without dealing with panic attacks.

I needed help tonight, I hope tomorrow I’ll be able to do it alone, I hope one day I’ll be able to do it alone.

Art: Amanda Oleander
Categories
mental health

Don’t tell me this is my fault

Waking up every morning ready to have a battle with my own mind is stressing enough but knowing that there is people that actually blame you for it, is one of the worst things to battle with.

For many years I kept my mental health for myself, I didn’t share it or talked about it for many reasons, one of them was the fear of what people would say and how they would judge me. After dealing with this on my own, I decided that I needed help and opened up to the world, this came with a lot of new experiences, I started talking with more people about it and even though I enjoyed it, not all the conversations were as pleasant as I wished.

Showing your feelings to people is not an easy thing to do, now imagine being blamed for how you feel!. I usually receive many support messages telling me I’m strong and that I can do this, but I also receive some telling me this is all my fault, how is this my fault?

I never chose to fear, to lose control of my body and my mind, to be anxious, to be depressed, I never chose to not living my life the fullest, to let myself get lost in my thoughts and feeling like I’m dying inside.

So , who are you to blame me? Who are you to tell me I’m not doing enough when you are not the one who is battling with me? You are not the one who is learning how to control panic attacks, you are not the one who can’t breath due to the anxiety, you are not the one who cries every night for fear of losing your mind.

To whoever is ready this, never blame somebody that is going through something you don’t understand, the fact that you are okay doesn’t mean we all are, because something works for you it doesn’t mean it works for everybody, not because you can do it , everybody can.

Be empathic, be human, listen and help, never judge, unless you are on the battle field, you wouldn’t understand.

Art: Amanda Oleander
Categories
mental health

10 Post Ago

About a month ago I started therapy for the first time, at the same time I started blogging, just for fun, just to keep my mind out of what was going on with me.

Never in a million years would I believe how helpful this was going to be. I found in writing a remedy for my mental health, it was like each word was less weight in my mind. Every post was a way to heal, my words were my pain and my blog my medicine.

People started to read my blog, many reached out to me after reading my post and showed support, it was like the same that caused me so much pain, now was bringing me happiness and hope.

I love writing, I might not be the best, but I enjoyed it. I appreciate to each one of you who read this, the fact that someone reads what I go through makes me feel like I’m not alone. I have people with me, I have help and that’s all I need to be okay.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to write, to be read and to have less weight on my mind. Cheers to words that heal.

Art: Amanda Oleander