Categories
mental health

Existing

Today is yet another day when I wake up thinking ” another day alive ” I say it grateful because not existing is my biggest fear, I’m constantly thinking about the fear of dying and no existing anymore, not being in this eart and not being anywhere anymore, I try my best to have a religious view of an after life thinking this will calm me down but is hard for me to think about it. I feel like after you die unless you are someone famous , just like you, the memories of you will eventually disappeared, nobody will remember me or talk about me, Maybe that’s why I try so hard and dream on being someone big , on achieving big goals, to stay present in peoples minds and people memories.

i found myself looking outside , at my dogs or my boyfriend and thinking ” I’m alive, enjoyed it ” but then the thought of “one day I won’t ” abruptly interrupts my peace.

ive share my thoughts with people and they say ” that’s not the way to live life” like I wanted or choose to be scared, I don’t; I want to be fine and live life peacefully and not be scare of what would be next. I try my best everyday, and even though some days I feel stronger than others, still haven’t found my peace completely

Categories
mental health

Plug back the charger

Have you ever felt like your days are going great? Your mind is strong, your body feels powerful, you can live life without your worries and feel like everything is just going well.

I’ve been feeling like that the past week, however, I feel like my mental happiness is staring to lose power, like the good days need to be recharge, my mind needs to be plug back to the positive side and recover what I’ve been losing these days.

I enjoyed the good days, I celebrated going to sleep without panic attacks in a whole day, I was glad my mind wasn’t playing games, but there it goes again.

I wish I could have a constant battery, something that would fuel me with positive thoughts all the time, I guess that’s imposible, but the best I can do is to be strong and remind myself that I have control over my mind and my body, I can do this, I know I can , because I did it last week, I just need to remind myself I’m capable.

Art: Amanda Oleander
Categories
mental health

Why my sisters are my medicine

… And then I found myself awake, screaming, with my sister’s arms around me, holding me tight, telling me I was okay.

My sisters are my medicine, because talking with them calms my fears, because they make me laugh when all I do is cry, because they listen to me when I feel like I need to scream, because they heal me when I’m broken, because they put me together when I’m in pieces.

My sisters give me life, give me hope and give me strength, my sisters never leave me and never will. My sisters are my life, and life without them wouldn’t be worth it.

If you don’t have a sister, love your brother, if you don’t have a brother, love your friends, love a stranger, love yourself, your medicine can be anything, a person, a song, a tv show, but trust me, there is always a medicine for you.

Categories
mental health

The next step

I looked for help.

I had enough of hiding my feelings for myself and not having anybody to talk to

I got tired of losing control of my mind and body

I refused to keep fighting this battle alone

I decided enough was enough

I understood there were others like me

I accepted I needed help

I reached out to a therapist

I opened up about my struggles

I AM doing this for me

I AM going to be okay

I AM capable

I AM strong.

I looked for help.

You can too.

Artist: Amanda Oleander
Categories
mental health

About living.

Imagine waking up every day with fear, knowing it will be another day of battling with your mind, with your thoughts, another day were you will constantly try to calm yourself to prevent a panic attack, because the feeling never disappear or goes away, you just push it back whenever you can.

When I was little, I remember walking in my neighborhood and touching the leaves of the bushes around me, I would touch the leaves and think In my mind “ I’m here “ every time that thought would come to my mind I would feel a punch in my stomach, my heart beat would get faster and it would become harder to breath, then, I would try to calm down. I was too young to understand.

With my teenage years and Adulthood arriving, questioning life, religion and the meaning of what we are was becoming more of a big deal for me. I started to think about eternal life in heaven and how ridiculous eternal life sound, nothing can be eternal, but then all you have to think is “ nothing “ the end , that’s it , you die and that’s all. And that’s when all started to make sense.

I wake up fearing a panic attack so early morning, I work through the day talking with my family to avoid scream and cry, I hug my boyfriend and play with my dogs so I don’t feel the shaking of my hands or my heart beating increasing.

When the night arrives, I put on Friends on the tv , I call it my comfort zone, Friends makes me laugh, makes me be happy and helps me not to  think about existing and one day not existing at all.

I hate myself for waking up my boyfriend every night screaming, sometimes I even hold my screams and fear under the blankets because I don’t want to wake him up, it doesn’t matter what I do, he always wakes up and hugs me, he tells me everything is okay, I pretend I fall asleep and I feel better, but I never feel completely better.

My boyfriend and family asked me to seek help, I looked online for therapy and counseling, then I saw the prices and I felt like I’m was being punish for my mental health, how can people with less resources than me afford therapy? Is that why so many people commit suicide? Only who can afford therapy can survive ? What about the rest of us?

I searched on the internet, I found Terms like  thanatophobia, death anxiety, existential anxiety, so many names but no so many solutions, most of the forums say “ you’re going to die , just face it “ I try, I swear I try to face it.

There are days like today where I feel exhausted, exhausted of feeling scared , of feeling my body rushing , of having to control my mind so I don’t start screaming in the streets, I’m tired of seeing my boyfriend worried about me , he loves me and acts like he will always be with me , but I’m tired of seeing his face while I scream and cry full of panic and fear

I just want to live life without fear every day, every morning and every night.

I don’t know how long I’ll have this, I read this affects all ages. I want to live so many more years, but not in fear, am I going to suffer the next 80 years of my life? Am I going to find peace one day and just realize everything is going to be Okay?