Categories
mental health

Be me again

I’m tired, I didn’t sleep at all, I was up all night, I watched tv, pet my dogs and held my boyfriends hand, but they were all sleep,they seemed so peaceful while my mind was in the middle of a battle.

I woke up and wanted to cry, I don’t want to work, I want to crawl inside my blankets, cuddle up with my dogs and just relax, I want to sleep as my eyes are closing while I work, I’m not even hungry, it has been a while since I ate properly, I’m eating probably just once or twice a day.

Am I losing control of everything? Am I just disappearing little by little ? What is inside my brain that is causing me this ? Will I ever be me again?

Art: Amanda Oleander
Categories
mental health

When you have to face it

I had a really hard therapy session today, I knew it was going to come eventually but talking about your fears and your anxiety triggers is never an easy thing to do.

I had to pause several times to control my breathing, I held my head as I was feeling like losing control, I was shaking, I wanted to cry but it was necessary.

Talking about what makes you uncomfortable is not easy, we like to be in our comfort zone to feel safe, to be in control and protect ourselves, today I wasn’t in control, I was fragile, scared and incapable, I didn’t want to talk about it but I need it, I had to do it.

After the session I felt so much lighter, it was good to get out my system some of the things that affect me but at the same time I didn’t feel great, I’ve been tired all day, I want to sleep and I want to cry, I keep thinking about that conversation and how I felt in that moment, I feel a cloud over my head, a fog inside my brain, today is one of those hard days.

Cheers for a better week, a better tomorrow and hopefully , a better future.

Art: Amanda Oleander
Categories
mental health

Nights

For the bad nights, for the heavy cloud over my head, for the fog in my mind, sometimes you need a little bit of help.

For a lot people the night is the best part of their day, they look forward for being in bed and get some good sleep, for me is always the thought of “ I hope tonight I can make it”.

So I get into my room, clean my face, brush my teeth, turn on the tv, practice breathing exercises and pet my dogs, The tv is never off, I need the light and sound but even after all of this sometimes is not enough,

So I open my drawer, I feel defeated as I know it’s not going to be a night when I can do it all by myself, so I grab the sleeping pill, take it and wait for it to work, I’ll be able to fall asleep without dealing with panic attacks.

I needed help tonight, I hope tomorrow I’ll be able to do it alone, I hope one day I’ll be able to do it alone.

Art: Amanda Oleander
Categories
mental health

Don’t tell me this is my fault

Waking up every morning ready to have a battle with my own mind is stressing enough but knowing that there is people that actually blame you for it, is one of the worst things to battle with.

For many years I kept my mental health for myself, I didn’t share it or talked about it for many reasons, one of them was the fear of what people would say and how they would judge me. After dealing with this on my own, I decided that I needed help and opened up to the world, this came with a lot of new experiences, I started talking with more people about it and even though I enjoyed it, not all the conversations were as pleasant as I wished.

Showing your feelings to people is not an easy thing to do, now imagine being blamed for how you feel!. I usually receive many support messages telling me I’m strong and that I can do this, but I also receive some telling me this is all my fault, how is this my fault?

I never chose to fear, to lose control of my body and my mind, to be anxious, to be depressed, I never chose to not living my life the fullest, to let myself get lost in my thoughts and feeling like I’m dying inside.

So , who are you to blame me? Who are you to tell me I’m not doing enough when you are not the one who is battling with me? You are not the one who is learning how to control panic attacks, you are not the one who can’t breath due to the anxiety, you are not the one who cries every night for fear of losing your mind.

To whoever is ready this, never blame somebody that is going through something you don’t understand, the fact that you are okay doesn’t mean we all are, because something works for you it doesn’t mean it works for everybody, not because you can do it , everybody can.

Be empathic, be human, listen and help, never judge, unless you are on the battle field, you wouldn’t understand.

Art: Amanda Oleander
Categories
mental health

10 Post Ago

About a month ago I started therapy for the first time, at the same time I started blogging, just for fun, just to keep my mind out of what was going on with me.

Never in a million years would I believe how helpful this was going to be. I found in writing a remedy for my mental health, it was like each word was less weight in my mind. Every post was a way to heal, my words were my pain and my blog my medicine.

People started to read my blog, many reached out to me after reading my post and showed support, it was like the same that caused me so much pain, now was bringing me happiness and hope.

I love writing, I might not be the best, but I enjoyed it. I appreciate to each one of you who read this, the fact that someone reads what I go through makes me feel like I’m not alone. I have people with me, I have help and that’s all I need to be okay.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to write, to be read and to have less weight on my mind. Cheers to words that heal.

Art: Amanda Oleander
Categories
mental health

Existing

Today is yet another day when I wake up thinking ” another day alive ” I say it grateful because not existing is my biggest fear, I’m constantly thinking about the fear of dying and no existing anymore, not being in this eart and not being anywhere anymore, I try my best to have a religious view of an after life thinking this will calm me down but is hard for me to think about it. I feel like after you die unless you are someone famous , just like you, the memories of you will eventually disappeared, nobody will remember me or talk about me, Maybe that’s why I try so hard and dream on being someone big , on achieving big goals, to stay present in peoples minds and people memories.

i found myself looking outside , at my dogs or my boyfriend and thinking ” I’m alive, enjoyed it ” but then the thought of “one day I won’t ” abruptly interrupts my peace.

ive share my thoughts with people and they say ” that’s not the way to live life” like I wanted or choose to be scared, I don’t; I want to be fine and live life peacefully and not be scare of what would be next. I try my best everyday, and even though some days I feel stronger than others, still haven’t found my peace completely

Categories
mental health

Plug back the charger

Have you ever felt like your days are going great? Your mind is strong, your body feels powerful, you can live life without your worries and feel like everything is just going well.

I’ve been feeling like that the past week, however, I feel like my mental happiness is staring to lose power, like the good days need to be recharge, my mind needs to be plug back to the positive side and recover what I’ve been losing these days.

I enjoyed the good days, I celebrated going to sleep without panic attacks in a whole day, I was glad my mind wasn’t playing games, but there it goes again.

I wish I could have a constant battery, something that would fuel me with positive thoughts all the time, I guess that’s imposible, but the best I can do is to be strong and remind myself that I have control over my mind and my body, I can do this, I know I can , because I did it last week, I just need to remind myself I’m capable.

Art: Amanda Oleander
Categories
mental health

Why my sisters are my medicine

… And then I found myself awake, screaming, with my sister’s arms around me, holding me tight, telling me I was okay.

My sisters are my medicine, because talking with them calms my fears, because they make me laugh when all I do is cry, because they listen to me when I feel like I need to scream, because they heal me when I’m broken, because they put me together when I’m in pieces.

My sisters give me life, give me hope and give me strength, my sisters never leave me and never will. My sisters are my life, and life without them wouldn’t be worth it.

If you don’t have a sister, love your brother, if you don’t have a brother, love your friends, love a stranger, love yourself, your medicine can be anything, a person, a song, a tv show, but trust me, there is always a medicine for you.

Categories
mental health

The next step

I looked for help.

I had enough of hiding my feelings for myself and not having anybody to talk to

I got tired of losing control of my mind and body

I refused to keep fighting this battle alone

I decided enough was enough

I understood there were others like me

I accepted I needed help

I reached out to a therapist

I opened up about my struggles

I AM doing this for me

I AM going to be okay

I AM capable

I AM strong.

I looked for help.

You can too.

Artist: Amanda Oleander
Categories
mental health

About living.

Imagine waking up every day with fear, knowing it will be another day of battling with your mind, with your thoughts, another day were you will constantly try to calm yourself to prevent a panic attack, because the feeling never disappear or goes away, you just push it back whenever you can.

When I was little, I remember walking in my neighborhood and touching the leaves of the bushes around me, I would touch the leaves and think In my mind “ I’m here “ every time that thought would come to my mind I would feel a punch in my stomach, my heart beat would get faster and it would become harder to breath, then, I would try to calm down. I was too young to understand.

With my teenage years and Adulthood arriving, questioning life, religion and the meaning of what we are was becoming more of a big deal for me. I started to think about eternal life in heaven and how ridiculous eternal life sound, nothing can be eternal, but then all you have to think is “ nothing “ the end , that’s it , you die and that’s all. And that’s when all started to make sense.

I wake up fearing a panic attack so early morning, I work through the day talking with my family to avoid scream and cry, I hug my boyfriend and play with my dogs so I don’t feel the shaking of my hands or my heart beating increasing.

When the night arrives, I put on Friends on the tv , I call it my comfort zone, Friends makes me laugh, makes me be happy and helps me not to  think about existing and one day not existing at all.

I hate myself for waking up my boyfriend every night screaming, sometimes I even hold my screams and fear under the blankets because I don’t want to wake him up, it doesn’t matter what I do, he always wakes up and hugs me, he tells me everything is okay, I pretend I fall asleep and I feel better, but I never feel completely better.

My boyfriend and family asked me to seek help, I looked online for therapy and counseling, then I saw the prices and I felt like I’m was being punish for my mental health, how can people with less resources than me afford therapy? Is that why so many people commit suicide? Only who can afford therapy can survive ? What about the rest of us?

I searched on the internet, I found Terms like  thanatophobia, death anxiety, existential anxiety, so many names but no so many solutions, most of the forums say “ you’re going to die , just face it “ I try, I swear I try to face it.

There are days like today where I feel exhausted, exhausted of feeling scared , of feeling my body rushing , of having to control my mind so I don’t start screaming in the streets, I’m tired of seeing my boyfriend worried about me , he loves me and acts like he will always be with me , but I’m tired of seeing his face while I scream and cry full of panic and fear

I just want to live life without fear every day, every morning and every night.

I don’t know how long I’ll have this, I read this affects all ages. I want to live so many more years, but not in fear, am I going to suffer the next 80 years of my life? Am I going to find peace one day and just realize everything is going to be Okay?