My life is not exciting , but writing is
My life is not exciting , but writing is
I hate the weekends because they remind me how lonely I am
I hate that I only have time to sit in my bed to think about the friends that I don’t have , I have to remember all those who called themselves my friends and forgot about me in the blink of an eye
I hate thinking about those who only a year ago said to love me and be there for me but when I asked for help they turned their backs
I hate to remember those who gave me the idea to belong, to be part of a group, to have friends, just to only be another fake, another failure, another lie
I hate people who pretends to be something they are not, and even worse, I hate I always believe in people
I hate the weekends because my mind and soul are filled with resentment, with anger and disappointment
I hate feeling this way , specially because of people who couldn’t Care less about me
I hate that everyday I think how none of them wished me happy birthday, or text me to know if I’m okay.
I hate when I think about future events when I won’t be able to have friends with me , thinking about a weeding without bridesmaids, concerts without someone to invite, girls night without another girls.
I hate being alone, I hate being angry at them.
But I hate even more the fact that I miss having someone.
Since I opened about my mental health, many things have changed with my social life, not like I had a big one but is different from months ago.
To those go used to hug me and say they love me , to those who used to say I could always count on you when I need it ( but the moment I did need you, you disappeared) to those who called themselves my friends and pretended to care about me but today are gone: Thank you, for showing me the real face of the world and how unfortunately you never know somebody completely, how so many times you believe they are your friends but they don’t even know what that means.
To those who many days acted like they would be there for me but today are not even able to call and ask how am I doing, to those who told me “ I’m here for you” but now that they know my mental health challenges haven’t talk to me since the day I opened up to the world: thank you, for leaving my life and giving space for better and real people, real friends
I will miss some moments I had with you and probably will still have to see you , but trust me, I wont ask you again for help, I wont reach out to you when I need someone to talk to, I wont believe when you say you love me or you are my friends, because you don’t even believe those words
I hope you never need a hug, I hope you never need somebody to talk so bad while you cry your eyes out, I hope you are never going through a depressive crisis and wish a friend would visit you or ask you to go out.
I hope you never feel the same way you made me feel.
To those who life gave me, those who appeared out of nowhere or out of the past, those who text me at night asking if I’m doing okay, asking me how am I feeling and if I’m having a good day, those who stay with me 6 hours in the phone talking until I’m ready to sleep, those who help me to breath through my panic attacks and promise me everything will be alright: THANK YOU. (Ale)
Thank you for giving me life , for giving me friendship, for helping me not to feel alone , thank you for giving me hope that there is people who cares about me in this world, That there is people that I can text or call and they will be there for me at least to tell me everything is okay
Thank you to the friend who cares because I feel loved, thank you to the one who doesn’t care too, because it makes me realize with who I should spend my time, thank you to the friend that ask how am I doing because I feel like I’m important, thank you to the one who ignored me when I reached out for help, because I made me stronger.
Thank you to the ones who left and the ones who arrived, because both of you, in your own way, made me who I am. I am better, I am capable, I have people who loves me and people who I do not need them to love me. And that is fine, I am fine.
I haven’t been feeling good since Sunday, these week seems darker than the last ones, my anxiety is stronger and my fears more present, I have been really busy at work but I feel like I am being to slow, not being able to complete everything I have to do, letting my mind lose control and navigate through the day in my darkest thoughts.
I feel like a panic attack is forming inside of me, I am scared in any moment I will busted out crying, I will wake up screaming, I will start shaking, I will stop breathing.
It is like a snowball was building little by little inside of you, you know its there, you know it getting stronger and you can only hope when it shows up won’t hurt too much.
So, I reached out to my therapist and she asked me if I have taken time to cry…. The question seems weird, who takes time to cry. but she continues telling me the importance of having a crying session, of choosing a moment if needed to cry and let go what is hurting me in the inside. And then I realized, all these days I’ve been fighting the tears and fighting the pain, every time I feel like I’m going to start crying because I am scared I fight it, I stopped myself from doing it, and maybe I am clocking myself in the inside, I am holding more pain that what I should
Maybe I need to drain, I need to clean my soul from the anxiety that has torment me since the last time I cried. I just don’t want to go back to that day, the last day I cried after a panic attack, I cried at least 4 times in a day, I scratched my neck and my arms, my head hurt, my body was weak, maybe I am just avoiding to cry because I don’t want to go back to that day… but also maybe, that day was necessary and helpful, a good cry as many would call it.
Do you have crying sessions? Do you think crying is necessary? I am scared but I am also tired, I feel like my body is filling up with feelings and soon or later I will have to take out everything that is not useful.
Who know, maybe a good cry is all I really need.
Since the morning I feel weird, I’ve talked about this before, I don’t like Sundays
It’s like my mind knows exactly the day to make me feel extra anxious, I feel bad since the moment I open my eyes but I try to keep myself together
I like to go to the park with my dogs on Sundays, to make it better, usually we order food and lay in the couch all day
We do laundry and clean the house, nothing exciting
Sunday nights are the worst, my mind just gets stronger somehow and my body weaker at the same time
On Sundays I take melatonin and made myself some lemon and ginger tea before bed just so I can get some sleep
On Sundays I videocall my family every night and talk to them until I fall asleep
Are Sundays always going to be this blue? Am I always going to hate this day?
Like Matthew Perry Posted on his Instagram a few weeks ago:
Why is today specially hard?
3 months ago, I was scared, I received an email that said I have been matched with a therapist, I was nervous to write to her or read her messages, I felt weak and defeated. Like I had lost the fight and needed help.
the truth is, I never lost the fight, I just needed some extra help in the battlefield.
3 months ago, I started therapy, I did not know much but I wanted to be heard and from that day until today it has not been one day since I feel alone again.
3 months ago, I learned I was not alone in the way I was feeling, that it was not wrong to feel the way I was feeling, I felt accepted, validated, and loved.
since that day I tried my best to get better ( and I am still trying) I followed many dreams I had and started new projects, I stopped talking to people who I thought they were my friends and connect with new wonderful people that bring happiness to my life.
since that day I am happier and better, I am not “cured”, and I do not think I will ever be. but I am better, and I know I can always be better.
I thank my family, my friends and most important, my therapist. I thank her for giving me the strength, the tools, and the exercises to feel better, to make me feel listened, to make me feel loved and to make me who I am today. I was not be able to do it without her.
so, to her. and all the therapist in the world, THANK YOU, because 3 months ago I never thought I would be the woman I am today, we need you and we appreciate you.
3 months ago, I Took the best decision of my life and I cannot wait for what is coming.
I learned you existed long ago but the fear came after , I understood that one day we leave this earth and I tried to comprehend where do we go, years later I still don’t know.
You took control over my mind, over my body and my feelings, took away from me the joy of sleeping, the happiness of a nice shower, the adventure of long car ride
You took away from me the normal afternoons laying in the couch, the dates with my boyfriend , the calls with my family
You have taken so much from me but I am still here to fight it back
Because I learned I can be stronger than you , I learned we can live together and coexist
That I can still have you in my mind but I can function and I can live
Dear death, I know you are there always behind me, behind my mind, my actions and my thoughts, but I also know I am in front of you, stronger and capable
Dead death , I know some days you’ll be stronger than me and find the way to break me down, but I also know I will find the way to step back up
Dear death, thank you for teaching me what I am capable of , for making me strong
Dear death, thank you for making me feel alive
I like Wednesdays, I call them the belly button of the week, they are far from Monday and closer to Friday
I love Fridays, I call them IDAF Fridays since is not allowed to stress out , the weekend has arrived!
I enjoy Saturdays since you have no worries about waking up early next day or feeling guilty for staying up late at night
I dislike Sundays, I feel blue most of them, there is not much you can do as you have to prepare for a new week of work or school, it’s all over again, another week of not much happiness but a lot of work, in my case, mental work
So I decided to flip the switch, I call my family every Sunday night, I volunteer every Sunday morning, I cook fun recipes on Sunday afternoon, I enjoy life on Sundays.
Not every day will be our favorite but maybe we can make it a bit better, at least it doesn’t have to be Monday because, let’s be honest, who likes mondays?
So today is for enjoying Sundays and maybe one day I’ll say the same for Mondays but is too early for that
About 10 years ago I understood something was going on with me, I didn’t understand what was it and for many years I tried to ignore it, put it in the back of my mind, denying that existed.
About 5 years ago I learned that what I was going through was called anxiety and panic attacks, that they were controlling my body and my mind, even then I tried to ignore it, put it in the back of my mind, denying it existed.
About a year ago my mental health spiraled drastically, I lost control of my body and my mind, I couldn’t function properly, my days were based on counting the amount of panic attacks per day and crying during my anxiety crisis, even then I tried to ignore it, put it in the back of my mind, denying it existed.
Two months ago I felt like I was losing the battle, I couldn’t do it alone anymore, I seek help, I started therapy, I stopped to ignore it, stopped to put it in the back of my mind and accepted it existed.
I accepted my mind was weak in that moment but with help and persistence everything would get better, I started to write, I started a blog where I share my journey.
A few weeks ago I learned I could stopped being the victim and become the helper , I decided my situation was not a curse, it was an opportunity to grow, I decided to use the tools that have helped me in order to help others, start a new journey, tell my story.
Today I am not afraid of talking about my mental health or tell my story, I’m not afraid about what my family will think because I know they love me more than anything, I am not afraid of what people will think of my videos because I just want to help those who need it.
All of this I do it for me, for the little girl who started to fear, for the teenager who hid, for the adult who seek help.
I remember the first time I heard this quote from Mr.Rogers, it’s struck me right away, there is always somebody that can help you.
For the last months I’ve been meeting new people, talking with new friends and creating new connections, all of this thanks to opening up regarding my mental health
I realized not only that there was a lot of people going through the same than me but also that I could help many the same way I was being helped.
So after each therapy session I write down what I learned , new exercises, new tips and when somebody close to me needs then the most I give it to them.
I’ve become in someone that helps others going though the same than me of even worst situations, I am using what used to affect me in benefit to others
My anxiety is no longer my curse, is my base for teaching and helping others.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not “cured” , I still have it in me, still fight my mind everyday, but I can go to bed knowing I helped somebody that needed me like once I needed help too.
So, if you’re going through something hard, look at it as a possibility to learn and teach others about it, don’t look at it as a curse or punishment , you might have inside of you the answer that many have been looking for a long time
Become the helper.
Is weird seeing all the people complain about not being able to sleeps since quarantine started
They can’t get some rest, they try to close their eyes but their mind keep making their thoughts get the best of them
They feel tired but they are also too scared to go to sleep, fear is consuming them during the day, anxiety at night
I’ve been there, every night , right now.
I am here for you if you need to talk, I am here for you to tell you “ you’re going to be alright “
My body might be used to this, I know yours is not, so don’t worry, don’t fear, I am here, we got this.