The water is warm, the candle is lit, moonlight sonata 1st movement starts.
I can feel my heartbeat through all my body
I can feel a burst of sadness rushing out of chest
And I start to cry, is like the tears where infinite, they fall through my face like a waterfall, one after the other, mixing with the water from the bathtub
I have difficulty breathing, feels like there is so much in my chest piling up ,trying to come out
I don’t stop for some long minutes, I cry like I haven’t cry in over a week, it hurts , it never stopped hurting but I just put it in the back of my head
And little by little, I feel my chest lighter, I can breath again, my heartbeat slows down.
I let it out.
And maybe in a few days, weeks or months it will pile up again, luckily the moonlight sonata will still be there.
When I heard the news of Hunna’s terminal cancer I started to prepare for her death. I said I wouldn’t be able to leave the bed and probably would drink a bunch of cough medicine just to sleep through the pain. When the day arrived I couldn’t sleep at all, didn’t take any cough maldice and the next day I asked to get out of the house and do something to keep my mind busy
The days after she died I thought I would never recover, I would never be able to talk about her without crying, but now I do, now I can talk about her and smile.
When she died I said I didn’t know how long would it be before I could get another dog, that I felt the pain would last for many years.
But I miss having a loyal companion, I miss loving just as much as I loved Hunna.
Almost 3 months after her death I applied to adopt a puppy and got approved
when I read the email “ approved” I felt a burst of happiness but soon after the thought of “ replacement” invaded my mind.
Thinking about replacing Hunna is as ridiculous as it sounds, because if something I know for sure is that I will never love another animal the way I loved Hunna, she was my first and will forever be my first.
So now I am just a mixture of feelings, between happiness and grief, excitement and guilt, hope and fear…
Would this new puppy replace Hunna? NEVER
Would this new puppy fill my heart with joy and happiness amid all this pain? I hope so…
It has been already over a month since I lost her
I still have to wake up every morning, feed my other pets , have to go to work, have to eat, have to walk my pets and sit with them outside
We went to the dog park, I saw other dogs running, my Hunna loved the dog park
We have received 2 bark boxes since she died, she always knew just by smelling the box that she would get new toys and treats
I haven’t moved her bed, I still have her bowl with water , her sweaters are still in the same spot where she used to lay down
I still have her medicine and supplements
I still sleep with her blanket
All of this keeps happening, even when she is gone
And I keep thinking about her, about that last day, last hug , last time I saw myself in her eyes
But time keeps moving, life goes on and I seem to be stuck in that ONE day, the last one, when I held her until I stopped feeling her breathing , until the doctor told me “ she’s at peace”.
It has been almost 2 months since people told me “time will heal everything”, since I thought only the first days will hurt, but every day hurts
And no matter how much I try to understand or how hard I try to wake up from this nightmare… life goes on …
It’s been almost 2 weeks since I lost her, people tell me time will heal everything, that soon I will feel better, I just feel like every day it hurts more and more
Her absence feel stronger every day, watching her pictures is more difficult, crying is a daily activity
Death is confusing, I can’t still understand how less than a month ago she was with me and now she is simply gone
I can’t accept that I still see her hairs around my house but can’t hear her barking
I close my eyes hoping is all a dream, that this is not happening , that she is going to come back somehow
I ask her to come back, I ask her to visit me in my dreams, I ask her to let me know she is somewhere
Does time really heal everything? Or makes everything more painful? Will I ever be able to remember her without falling apart ? Will I ever wake up from this horrible nightmare? …
I woke up with my heart shatter in a thousand pieces, I didn’t want to open my eyes because I knew she was not going to be there wagging her tail
I knew she was not going to start kissing me when I would sing “ buenos días mi amor, buenos días mi ángel , buenos días mi amor” like I used to sing every morning
Preparing the breakfast for my other 2 pets was hard, because I still had her breakfast in the fridge, letting my dogs out was hard because her winter jacket was still next to the door
Laying down was hard because I still find her hair everywhere I look at
When I decided to left the house I turned around to say bye to my other pets and she wasn’t there looking at me before I closed The door
When I came back I didn’t hear her barking in the other side of the door, she wasn’t jumping up and down when I entered the house , she wasn’t welcoming in our house
My first day without her hurts really bad
when they tell you that you heart can break is true… it’s difficult to breath and my chest aches
I’ve been looking all around the house for her smell, I’ve been hugging her blanket to try to keep her close to me
I don’t know how many more days this pain will last, I got the feeling maybe it will never go away
I just have to learn how to live without her and take all our memories close to my heart, forever
I see her losing her energy day by day, she doesn’t bark anymore, she can’t jump to her couch or bed, she only eats when I forcefully put food in her mouth just because I can’t see her losing more weight.
Sometimes she plays with toys but gets tired pretty quickly, she doesn’t run behind me while I am riding the bike or doesn’t jump on me when I arrive home, she doesn’t give me “ kisses attacks “ anymore , but sometimes gives me a couple of delicate ones.
She doesn’t “talk to me anymore”, we used to have really good conversation
She doesn’t eat her treats or destroy her toys
She doesn’t cry for attention or stares at me until I notice her
She doesn’t lay on her back and cries until we rub her belly, she doesn’t play with the soccer ball every time she sees it.
She still loves me and i know that for sure
She still wants to sleep against my body or lays down making sure she can look at me.
She still goes wherever I go and follows me around when she can.
But she is tired, I know she is
I tell her every day to let me know when she is ready to go, the problem is, I am not ready to let her go.
I feel selfish for wanting more days, months and years by her side
I feel selfish because I can’t let her go , She taught me so much about life but I still haven’t learn how to live without her.
I know I have to make the decision to let her go, she is letting me know is time to do it, she is letting me know she is tired, she wants to rest…
This year didnt start as I expected, I wonder if my cat scratching me while I was celebrating new years eve was a way to show me what 2021 was gonna be?
The very first week of the year I received the news from the vet, my first fur baby only had a couple weeks left with us. Her cancer was too strong and there was nothing we could do about it.
Looking back to those days feels like I was in a deep, dark hole. I felt my soul breaking into a thousand pieces, my heart ache, my mind was empty. I couldnt phantom my reality, I couldnt believe that after 8 years together I was going to lose her
I wanted more. I STILL want more. I always dreamed to see her with gray hairs in her face, grandma Hunna, my old baby girl.
But this is not going to happen.
Every day goes by with the constant thought that is going to be the last one together, I go to bed hugging her making sure that if it is our last night together she is warm and comfy. I wake up kissing her so if it is our last morning together she is happy and joyfull.
I look at my cat and how much he loves her, I think how much hes going to miss her, who is he gonna cuddle up with ? who is he going to play with? he is going to miss his old sister
I look at my other dog, Clem, they are not really best friends with Hunna but I’m sure Clem will miss her too, in her own way she will notice Hunna’s absence.
I think about me and what I am gonna do. if knowing that I will lose her is umberable, how will I be able to accept once shes gone? How long does pain last? How long will I hurt? my best guess is: Forever
I dont know how to grieve, I have never lost a family member, Hunna will be my first lost and the uncertainty of what will I become hunts me and scares me every day.
I try to practice grounding exercises daily, to remember that she is still here with me, right now laying next to my legs, cuddling with Mikkel the Cat, next to Clem her sister.
It will sound redounted but pain hurts, losing her hurts, knowing I wont have more years with her hurts.
I hate the weekends because they remind me how lonely I am
I hate that I only have time to sit in my bed to think about the friends that I don’t have , I have to remember all those who called themselves my friends and forgot about me in the blink of an eye
I hate thinking about those who only a year ago said to love me and be there for me but when I asked for help they turned their backs
I hate to remember those who gave me the idea to belong, to be part of a group, to have friends, just to only be another fake, another failure, another lie
I hate people who pretends to be something they are not, and even worse, I hate I always believe in people
I hate the weekends because my mind and soul are filled with resentment, with anger and disappointment
I hate feeling this way , specially because of people who couldn’t Care less about me
I hate that everyday I think how none of them wished me happy birthday, or text me to know if I’m okay.
I hate when I think about future events when I won’t be able to have friends with me , thinking about a weeding without bridesmaids, concerts without someone to invite, girls night without another girls.
I hate being alone, I hate being angry at them.
But I hate even more the fact that I miss having someone.
Since I opened about my mental health, many things have changed with my social life, not like I had a big one but is different from months ago.
To those go used to hug me and say they love me , to those who used to say I could always count on you when I need it ( but the moment I did need you, you disappeared) to those who called themselves my friends and pretended to care about me but today are gone: Thank you, for showing me the real face of the world and how unfortunately you never know somebody completely, how so many times you believe they are your friends but they don’t even know what that means.
To those who many days acted like they would be there for me but today are not even able to call and ask how am I doing, to those who told me “ I’m here for you” but now that they know my mental health challenges haven’t talk to me since the day I opened up to the world: thank you, for leaving my life and giving space for better and real people, real friends
I will miss some moments I had with you and probably will still have to see you , but trust me, I wont ask you again for help, I wont reach out to you when I need someone to talk to, I wont believe when you say you love me or you are my friends, because you don’t even believe those words
I hope you never need a hug, I hope you never need somebody to talk so bad while you cry your eyes out, I hope you are never going through a depressive crisis and wish a friend would visit you or ask you to go out.
I hope you never feel the same way you made me feel.
To those who life gave me, those who appeared out of nowhere or out of the past, those who text me at night asking if I’m doing okay, asking me how am I feeling and if I’m having a good day, those who stay with me 6 hours in the phone talking until I’m ready to sleep, those who help me to breath through my panic attacks and promise me everything will be alright: THANK YOU. (Ale)
Thank you for giving me life , for giving me friendship, for helping me not to feel alone , thank you for giving me hope that there is people who cares about me in this world, That there is people that I can text or call and they will be there for me at least to tell me everything is okay
Thank you to the friend who cares because I feel loved, thank you to the one who doesn’t care too, because it makes me realize with who I should spend my time, thank you to the friend that ask how am I doing because I feel like I’m important, thank you to the one who ignored me when I reached out for help, because I made me stronger.
Thank you to the ones who left and the ones who arrived, because both of you, in your own way, made me who I am. I am better, I am capable, I have people who loves me and people who I do not need them to love me. And that is fine, I am fine.
I haven’t been feeling good since Sunday, these week seems darker than the last ones, my anxiety is stronger and my fears more present, I have been really busy at work but I feel like I am being to slow, not being able to complete everything I have to do, letting my mind lose control and navigate through the day in my darkest thoughts.
I feel like a panic attack is forming inside of me, I am scared in any moment I will busted out crying, I will wake up screaming, I will start shaking, I will stop breathing.
It is like a snowball was building little by little inside of you, you know its there, you know it getting stronger and you can only hope when it shows up won’t hurt too much.
So, I reached out to my therapist and she asked me if I have taken time to cry…. The question seems weird, who takes time to cry. but she continues telling me the importance of having a crying session, of choosing a moment if needed to cry and let go what is hurting me in the inside. And then I realized, all these days I’ve been fighting the tears and fighting the pain, every time I feel like I’m going to start crying because I am scared I fight it, I stopped myself from doing it, and maybe I am clocking myself in the inside, I am holding more pain that what I should
Maybe I need to drain, I need to clean my soul from the anxiety that has torment me since the last time I cried. I just don’t want to go back to that day, the last day I cried after a panic attack, I cried at least 4 times in a day, I scratched my neck and my arms, my head hurt, my body was weak, maybe I am just avoiding to cry because I don’t want to go back to that day… but also maybe, that day was necessary and helpful, a good cry as many would call it.
Do you have crying sessions? Do you think crying is necessary? I am scared but I am also tired, I feel like my body is filling up with feelings and soon or later I will have to take out everything that is not useful.
Who know, maybe a good cry is all I really need.