Categories
mental health

Plug back the charger

Have you ever felt like your days are going great? Your mind is strong, your body feels powerful, you can live life without your worries and feel like everything is just going well.

I’ve been feeling like that the past week, however, I feel like my mental happiness is staring to lose power, like the good days need to be recharge, my mind needs to be plug back to the positive side and recover what I’ve been losing these days.

I enjoyed the good days, I celebrated going to sleep without panic attacks in a whole day, I was glad my mind wasn’t playing games, but there it goes again.

I wish I could have a constant battery, something that would fuel me with positive thoughts all the time, I guess that’s imposible, but the best I can do is to be strong and remind myself that I have control over my mind and my body, I can do this, I know I can , because I did it last week, I just need to remind myself I’m capable.

Art: Amanda Oleander
Categories
mental health

Baby Steps

How im learning to love my mind,

I realized once that my thoughts were going to be there if I wanted or not, it wasn’t something I could choose to feel or think, it was just there and I had to deal with it.

The days have been better since I started to blog, speak out about it and most important since I started therapy. Being able to talk with an expert and know that what I’m going through is not something that only happens to me makes me feel like I am not alone.

However, I feel like after I am being recharged with good energy, positive thoughts and calm, the negative thoughts get stronger and deep down in my mind trying to come out to break me again.

I guess it is all about how strong I am, stronger than my negative thoughts, stronger than my fears. I don’t believe anytime soon I will just randomly stop being anxious or having panic attacks, but I do hope that in the future, one day I will be able to spend a day without fearing my mind will get the best of me.

After so many years dealing witht this, sometimes I feel like im doing so much, but then I realize, I can do even more. Baby steps will get me there, Baby steps will get me to the top and finally say IM FINE.

Categories
mental health

One life, One Chance

About 5 years ago I wrote to one of my heroes, I told him how I was feeling and what I was going through, not thinking that he would reply or even see my message, but he did, and he replied, he opened up to me and told me he understood my fears. He also told me I should tell somebody else and find help on my close ones.

When I wrote to him, nobody in my life knew about my mental health struggles, I was battling my anxiety alone, depressed and desperate.

Today, I have the support of my family, I’m going to therapy and even opening up to strangers in a blog. I don’t believe I would’ve ever done this if he would’ve said “ follow your heart, it’s the best way”.

The days are not always easy, but they are better, and for that, for being the first one I opened up and specially for being the first one who told me “it’s okay”, thank you, Toby.

You are not alone. Always remember that, you might feel like you are, but there’s ALWAYS somebody that can listen to you, just open your heart and you’ll be heard.

Categories
mental health

Why my sisters are my medicine

… And then I found myself awake, screaming, with my sister’s arms around me, holding me tight, telling me I was okay.

My sisters are my medicine, because talking with them calms my fears, because they make me laugh when all I do is cry, because they listen to me when I feel like I need to scream, because they heal me when I’m broken, because they put me together when I’m in pieces.

My sisters give me life, give me hope and give me strength, my sisters never leave me and never will. My sisters are my life, and life without them wouldn’t be worth it.

If you don’t have a sister, love your brother, if you don’t have a brother, love your friends, love a stranger, love yourself, your medicine can be anything, a person, a song, a tv show, but trust me, there is always a medicine for you.

Categories
mental health

The next step

I looked for help.

I had enough of hiding my feelings for myself and not having anybody to talk to

I got tired of losing control of my mind and body

I refused to keep fighting this battle alone

I decided enough was enough

I understood there were others like me

I accepted I needed help

I reached out to a therapist

I opened up about my struggles

I AM doing this for me

I AM going to be okay

I AM capable

I AM strong.

I looked for help.

You can too.

Artist: Amanda Oleander
Categories
mental health

Captive

My mind is eating me alive, I don’t remember the last time I was completely happy for a whole day, I feel captive in my own mind, I can’t escape my thoughts  and these make me feel weak, not capable to be okay.

I feel like I’m wasting my life, that in any moment i will stop existing and the only people who will miss me is my family. That I will not leave a mark in the world and history will never know my name.

I wake up everyday knowing it will be another day of fighting my thoughts, I’m so desperate to feel better, I want to go back to the days when I was happy, when I wasn’t worrying about my existence every second, I was just living. 

I want to live without fearing, but my mind is stronger than me.

Artist: Amanda Oleander
Categories
Foreign mental health

Being alone in a new country

I still remember the old days when I always had people to hang out with, sometimes I even would have to choose between different people because my social life was so “busy”. I used to go to events every weekend and during the week hang out with friends, always someone there for me, always someone to talk. Those were some great years and I didn’t know how much would I miss them

6 years ago I came to America for the first time , during those years I’ve met people and also my partner, we have been together for almost 3 years and it’s great, but if it wasn’t for him, I would have no one , nadie .

I don’t have friends in this country, I don’t know who to talk to when I want to hang out with someone, I don’t have girl friends to go and do our nails or hair, I thought I had friends until one day during a really dark time of my life I asked for help and they didn’t even reply my text

Being alone is hard, specially when you were used to never being alone, I always had somebody to talk to, if I didn’t know what to do during my free time there was always people there waiting for me to hang out with them.

I spend my days with my dogs at home, sometimes at the park , that’s pretty much it , I don’t have someone to call and invite home to watch girly movies , or someone that would call me and invite me to hang out with them . Loneliness is a pretty hard pill to swallow, you look around and see nothing, never receive a text , or a call , loneliness is hard, if you can, make sure people around you never feel alone, because is one of the worst pains ever .

Categories
mental health

About living.

Imagine waking up every day with fear, knowing it will be another day of battling with your mind, with your thoughts, another day were you will constantly try to calm yourself to prevent a panic attack, because the feeling never disappear or goes away, you just push it back whenever you can.

When I was little, I remember walking in my neighborhood and touching the leaves of the bushes around me, I would touch the leaves and think In my mind “ I’m here “ every time that thought would come to my mind I would feel a punch in my stomach, my heart beat would get faster and it would become harder to breath, then, I would try to calm down. I was too young to understand.

With my teenage years and Adulthood arriving, questioning life, religion and the meaning of what we are was becoming more of a big deal for me. I started to think about eternal life in heaven and how ridiculous eternal life sound, nothing can be eternal, but then all you have to think is “ nothing “ the end , that’s it , you die and that’s all. And that’s when all started to make sense.

I wake up fearing a panic attack so early morning, I work through the day talking with my family to avoid scream and cry, I hug my boyfriend and play with my dogs so I don’t feel the shaking of my hands or my heart beating increasing.

When the night arrives, I put on Friends on the tv , I call it my comfort zone, Friends makes me laugh, makes me be happy and helps me not to  think about existing and one day not existing at all.

I hate myself for waking up my boyfriend every night screaming, sometimes I even hold my screams and fear under the blankets because I don’t want to wake him up, it doesn’t matter what I do, he always wakes up and hugs me, he tells me everything is okay, I pretend I fall asleep and I feel better, but I never feel completely better.

My boyfriend and family asked me to seek help, I looked online for therapy and counseling, then I saw the prices and I felt like I’m was being punish for my mental health, how can people with less resources than me afford therapy? Is that why so many people commit suicide? Only who can afford therapy can survive ? What about the rest of us?

I searched on the internet, I found Terms like  thanatophobia, death anxiety, existential anxiety, so many names but no so many solutions, most of the forums say “ you’re going to die , just face it “ I try, I swear I try to face it.

There are days like today where I feel exhausted, exhausted of feeling scared , of feeling my body rushing , of having to control my mind so I don’t start screaming in the streets, I’m tired of seeing my boyfriend worried about me , he loves me and acts like he will always be with me , but I’m tired of seeing his face while I scream and cry full of panic and fear

I just want to live life without fear every day, every morning and every night.

I don’t know how long I’ll have this, I read this affects all ages. I want to live so many more years, but not in fear, am I going to suffer the next 80 years of my life? Am I going to find peace one day and just realize everything is going to be Okay?

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Uncategorized

Starting

3,2,1

My life is not exciting , but writing is